halfway

As i approach the halfway mark i see things clearer than ever before. I see the goals that i had lost so many years ago. I can see what i fought for. I can see what i struggled for. I can see the past. I see the roads that i walked. The adventures that i took part in. The women, the strife, the thrill... I see it all. I see what was made up and i see what was real. Now i can look forward again and pray that this next half goes faster. I am only halfway in my present setting. I was told recently that i have the world by the balls and that i didn't know it yet. This is more true today than it was yesterday. It grows in truth everyday from here on out. I was stopped... stalled really for a year and a half. The stifling girl had halted much of my progress. Cancer posed an important obstacle that i came over landing on my feet the other side of the wall. I am no longer stalled but restarted. I have new life. I have rebirth. I am new. I cannot wait to finish this half. I will take the world by the balls soon enough. I will show mercy.

It is only halfway but i know in my heart that the hardest is behind me. 2007 is soon over. A new king is upon us and will reign for many years to come. I will start on a new path. The fog has cleared. It has shown me the path where my feet were, and where they should be. I can see it now. Where i will travel there will be no more dust or fog. Where i go now i see clearly what lies in front of me. I cannot be stopped. I will show no mercy.

Once i am done...I will look back and think about all that i have come through. I will laugh. No one has shown me mercy. I have earned everything i have done. I will conquer through my soul and my spirit. No mercy. None.

Volcanoes

so i am writing this story with a theme. The theme is that volcanoes are the key to the core of what i want to do with the main characters' career. the core of the earth with speculated gold insulation is where the main character needs to get to. He is not aware of the volcanoes. They just keep erupting. He sometimes feels rumbles. Sometimes he smells the ash. sometimes he comes close to touching the liquid hot magma. Basically there are these famous volcanoes that keep getting mentioned within the text. I am also using the theme of Verne's characters and the motif of journey to the center of the earth. A submotif along the same lines is that the main character is getting coded messages that lead him to find something on the vocational map that leads him to the proper volcano that will take him to the center of his ... career.

this theme is new. all of these motifs have not really been mentioned in the novel as of yet. But the climax or eruption of the book is coming soon after this section of the book. The prior hints are in a different more straightforward manner.

thoughts on the screen

I have to say that i am bored. I am sitting in my office and i have done a total of maybe three minutes worth of work. I am not exactly sure why i am here. I keep thinking that this was a good career move but the truth is that i am not sure. I really don't like it here and i have very little to do. I am not sure if this is rockbottom but i know that i am close. for one thing i have very little friends here. Very little. I have started all over again. I am back to the first grade with all new situations and scenarios. I have such little exposure here where i am that it really makes it difficult survive. So far today i saw three people and one of those was by accident. I have been here for 6 hours. six hours withouth significant human interaction. How am i supposed to survive? It's like i am being tested. Like i am supposed to find my true self here in the middle of nowhere.

My director is a stiff. I ask for things and he skirts around them. I want to have some formal education in teaching. I want to say "hey, for a year i was here and i have something to show for it!" I have the research but it is not tangible. I want something tangible. I am competing with myself to do more and to make more progress. At what cost? boredom?

I have three research projects in the works as of now. On top of that i have another data set that i can use to start a fourth one on. I am involved in this huge undertaking with three more research projects but, i have a minor role in only one of those. I am trying my hardest to make some extra money and retain clinical skills that are drying up. I meet with another doctor to discuss some computer issues but that is not really amounting to anything. I was also volunteered to join a CKD group almost against my will. Oh and i am trying to find an editor for my book, that i am three quarters done with.

I injured my leg and so have some new limitations to my exercise plans. My mom has a series of medical problems that are seeming to take forever to get taken care of.

Now i start looking to the future. I am starting to look at specific states and locales to consider practicing. I know certain hospitals might like to have someone like me on their team.

i am a clinician. I am personable and friendly and i know how to explain things to patients. These items don't go on CV's or resumes. I have to get this research done and have some other certifications or something in order to make my career have some power.

we haven't even touched on the other social issues. I am confused about my ex. I cannot understand her and i don't know why i continue to try. I may have screwed up royally or i may have made a good decision. It is so hard to judge. I do know that i do not have anyone right now. This is a hard fact to realize. A year earlier i was on the verge of the actual breakup. But then i exploded. I had so many girls available. I was king of the social scene. I was in charge and i relished being there. Now i sit in my office. I think about what i can do at the gym. That is my evening. Hopefully this extra work spent in moonlighting will provide money, something to do and clinical practice.

Without names... P has someone else. that didn't go over well. She has yet to know that i always had someone else. Ultimately we were compatible but with half-hearted chemistry. The same goes for J. I liked her but was not fully feeling the chemistry. It can be blamed on me but i initially asked her out because i wanted to. I never really thought twice about it. F is still in ny. I blew that one off. some say this is a good deal, the fact that i blew her off. I am not so sure. I might contact again but i am not sure she and i would do well together. K actually annoyts me. She literally gets on my last nerves. This is saying a lot. I am a calm patient person. D is the one that i have been pursuing the longest now. She is upset about the initial timing and indirectly about M. the jury is still out on her. There is a new J in the works. Might not work out and then again it might be perfect. Who knows. There is O but i am afraid of starting something where i hang out semi-regularly. S i have lost contact with. She and i were extremely compatible without ever dating. the other RN D is not interested. or has someone else. the first RN D might indeed have someone else as well.

I am not sure if M has someone else or not. I sometimes think what would happen if she and i went back with one another. Probably lots of the old stuff would come right back... I am not sure that would be such a good thing.

Why are these last two paragraphs so important to me? I know not. I wish that i had some support system here. A bachelor group or if nothing more than at least a group to hang out with.

I am going to save this and see what happens in a couple of weeks.

D.

Crimson

The killer walked a good distance behind his mark. He was moving swiftly with a controlled balance in his step. He was observing and mimicking his mark catching his mannerisms. Although he was not accustomed to the bright blue clothes he was wearing he liked them. They made him blend in more than any dark cloak could. He remained about thirty feet behind his target. The paper in his hand made him seem less noticeable and the cup of coffee was only for show as well.

The man that he was watching and hunting was tall with a beard. He wore the same blue uniform and was talking with a colleague. They had eaten lunch together and were leaving the cafeteria down a long hall. Our killer was partly in stalk mode and partly in data gathering. He wanted to calculate the walking speed and the timing of his intended victim. This assassin was a student. He learned a long time ago that he should obtain as much knowledge as he could before making his strike.

The hallway was long and well lit. Another oddity in his business. The elevators at the end of the hall way were gray almost blending with the light green from the halls. The target was about to board the upgoing elevator to probably head to his office, on the third floor. His colleague touched his shoulder with a soft caress. She was shorter with flowing blonde hair. She then turned facing the killer paying no attention to him whatsoever and walked on past him down the hall. She had done the same three days ago without notice of this character with the newspaper. The last time he was wearing a hat and was bearded.

The killer continued past the elevator to the stairwell where he would ascend to the third floor alone. He was traveling light today anyway so the stairs would not be a burden. He carried his master key, his car key and a camera that fit into his back pocket without any notice. His master key stolen from the custodial office gave him access to most of the locks in this wing of the hospital. This would be much more helpful later on in planning his task. The camera was to provide visualization to his blueprints. He photographed stairwells, signs, name tags, computer screens, etc... anything that could help him.

While he got to the third floor the killer opened the door and proceeded to the entrance to an office. He was about to enter the offices of some of the surgeons within the hospital. He quickly snapped a shot of their names on the wall. He also snapped a shot of the hall toward the elevators.

He then slowly pushed the door open and stepped in...

Relationships

I have to say that i think we as people would be much happier without significant others in our lives. Although i think i should probably provide some qualifiers first. I think that it is important to have someone that you love and cherish and that does the same for you. However, i doubt that there are that many people out there that actually feel this way. I doubt that there is anyone out there that really would put their loved one first before themselves. Did that ever exist? Did i do that before? Its hard to think that far back but i think that i have done that in the past. There have been times in my life that i had felt completely devoted to the other person. Sometimes it actually built a resentment within me when i felt i was not gonna get the same treatment in return. Am i that fucked up? I dont think so. Something else to keep in mind is that there will always be a past. The past never goes away. Really it can be shaded or tinted depending upon the way you perceive it. This is also the case depending upon how it is provided for you. To make sacrifices. That is when you know you have gone too far. Sacrificing what you need or what you want is what makes one person unhappy and the other satisified. To sit and wait... to sit and listen... to think of yourself second... to wait for your turn... Why not just grab what you want and ditch it when you are done? Seems better to do. I probably cannot be this way although i secretly long to be. Oh well, we shall see how things can develop from here.

Doctorgiggles.

My first attempt...

So, this is just my first foray into this odd field of literary styles. I hope to meet up with some other interesting, intelligent and mainly cynical people to critique some of my material. There should be more to follow.