should 2008 be forgot

What do i want now? What do i have? It's time again to take a true assessment of what i am and of what i have. 2008 is almost over. It started on a down note. Someone that i really liked was not interested anymore... others couldn't fit into my life. I was independent and trying to heal. My leg was damaged. Then things picked up. Days, became weeks, became months and soon i was moving away from the lonesome to the mediopolis. And then it happened. I met her again. Somewhat by chance and somewhat by design. Things were lining up again. Strength was coursing through my veins again. Money was filling my coffers for the first time. Trees grew, and flowers bloomed. Of course these things change over time and soon i was in ice, lava, and desert. I've landed on my feet, from the cliff i was tossed from at the opening of the year. Now, with my feet firm on the floor i have to start setting some goals. I have to build up my good karma. I have to reach the milestones that i have swimming around in the back of my head.

My career is going well. I continue to befriend, and mop-up as part of my platform. Soon i will ask for more responsibility. Then later i can wield some influence in decisions. I have some competition and so i have to formulate true alliances, and know my true enemies.

My health is improved. I must continue to stay fit, and alchemise fat to muscle. My legs, although weak still, are gaining steadiness.

In terms of a homestead i shall look. I lack appropriate funds at this time to successfully maneuver, but may be able to formulate a plan.

Relationship is good. Steady and slow. There are internal forces urging it forward, and a conscious power holding it in place. Keep up the good work.

Family and friends are stable. Keep this holy and sacred. Maintain independence, and piety simultaneously.

You are in excellent striking distance. The key here is to maintain independence, play to your strengths, rectify your weaknesses, forge alliances, and respect your enemies. Do not let your demons haunt you; act in deliberate and logical sequence. Remember that the fire is burning within you still... stay hungry.

At the edge

Standing at the cliff you realize things. You know that there is nothing holding you back. There is nothing drawing you forward. The only thing that you truly know is that you are there. You could fall, or you could jump. It is your decision. Everything you do is your decision. You decided to be cruel or righteous. At the cliff's edge you know true freedom. You know that you have the power to exist by choice. Metaphorically speaking you leap or turn away from every edge that you come into contact with.

We're always trying to believe that someone is holding us back, or someone is pushing us forward. It is really us. We get to make the decisions don't we? That is one of the essential truths of life. We decide when to act and when to not.

So, what of the people that act in not acting? Is that a true act or is it the fear that something is keeping them from the action? Something or someone is holding them back or forcing them to be inactive.

What is that fear? It is not chance. There is no such entity as chance. Chance has no rules. It cannot be defined by the consequences that it produces. The fear is the excuse because of the unknown. Its factuality is based on supposed experiences or the inference of what could be.

To be pushed or pulled by some exterior force is the excuse as the basis of the fear. At the edge to choose to walk away, or to choose flight is the power. That power is fearsome for some. It is better to give that power to someone else.

Is it just to take someone else's choice away from them while they are inactive? To make the decision for them while they sway in the wind? Do they need to find their own ground to take a stand at the edge?

To be at the edge with that freedom is powerful. Shift paradigms, take risks, and live in the here and now.

To be in the moment

I need to learn this. I am at work now. It is nearly over. I am finishing a week of nights and i am worried. What am i worried about? Why do i have to have some sort of plan?

It helps give me closure. It helps me assign priority to my life. It allows me to keep long range and short term goals seperate. It allows me a structure to work within. it gives me function to work with...

However, this unending concern needs to become clarified. I need to live in the moment. I need to be in the moment for my own sake. so, i am in this situation or relationship and i want to know the status of it. She seems to be happy just knowing that we are together, but doesn't want me to really get any closer to her. Maybe that is my perception only. She seems to be fearful of what a relationship with someone of my caliber could be like. I "exceed" her expectations for a man thus far. She tells me that she "basically loves" me, and that she "adores" me...

Why am i so eager to divulge to her everything to her. Why am i so ready? Am i lonely? needy? do i need to have this sharing of information or is it just simply something that i want?

the other question is: do i back off? The main reason would be because i am feeling so very vulnerable at this time. And to feel this vulnerable is a weakness. If she were to walk away from me now i would be immensely hurt for a long time. The next question of course would be: why would she walk away? She would not have a major reason at this time, but if i keep worrying about it i might have another self-fulfilling prophecy on my hands.

stay positive. stay active. do your thing. be patient, and do what you want. Try to be in the moment while the moment is here. enjoy it. don't look too much into the past and try to only have an idea for the future. you are here now. here. not in the past, and not in future yet. Control the present. That will allow you to own the past and determine the future.

Here I am

Here I am. Now i've started. I am truly on my way. I can see several paths in front of me when just months ago i saw none. I see my life changing. I can feel it changing. I sense the change and i embrace it. I have no qualms about my decisions now. I have apparently made all of the right decisions in the past as my prelude to where i am now.

I've started my life and i love the feeling. I love being able to do the things that i want. I love having the freedom to think about doing more. I am in a place where i can enjoy myself. At least for now i am in this place. Here I am.

What do some of these paths have at their ends? What lies in wait around the corner? What should i be planning for next? In the past these questions would have frightened me. Now i embrace them. What do some of these paths have at their ends? Maybe something great. Maybe something beautiful. I will walk these paths. I will turn these corners. I will set my goals as i need to set them while i'm here.

For once in my life i know what it means to be happy. I feel happy. I am healthy. my family, for the most part, is healthy. My friends are doing well. I hold no hate from within. I seek no vengeance. I have no desire for revenge.

I am able to display my scars now. They are a part of me. They represent me, and my experience. They constitute my character. My weaknesses and my flaws are a part of me as well. I am who i am for a reason.

For once i feel like i am able to turn my negative energy into something positive. I feel like i am able to succeed in any endeavor... Here I am. I am happy.

What I want.

so,

I want someone that is good looking. But this person does not have to be a supermodel. She just has to have pleasing looks. More than anything else she has to be willing to commit to me like i would be willing to commit to her. I have such high expectations of myself that to accept anything less in someone else would be foolish.

I am not bragging. i hate braggarts, but i am decent looking, i am smart, thoughtful, athletic, funny, and social. Why is it so hard to meet someone that meets those standards? Am i looking in the wrong places, or am i destined for something else? Did i already miss my oppurtunity?

I don't want someone that can read my mind, but someone that can sense me. I hate opening up. and i hate exposing weakness. If someone could only understand me. Seriously. I feel like sometimes i am on this earth and nobody gets me.

I take a lot of shit from a lot of people because i dish it out. Sometimes i need to regroup. sometimes i need to lean on somebody too. Why do i always have to be the patient, understanding one? Why can't i have someone ask me my thoughts?

** was the only one that came close to what i am describing, and that whole situation was SNAFU from the get go, between m, and j.

I have the world by the balls, man! I am in striking distance of what i want. I can taste it. I feel like the prodigal son (bible reference) returning home to take what is mine. More importantly i feel like i am only just starting. My potential is boundless.

So, what do i want? I have no companion. I have nobody to share this limitless potential with. I WANT A DOG. I am so deprived of sleep that typing this email is bringing me close to an emotional outburst that would be nothing more than embarassing.

Sorry to drain your eyes. I just feel like i am being hard on myself.

So maybe

so maybe it's not about falling but really having good timing. finding the person that 'fits' well with what you have going on. It is sometimes hard to know exactly what in the hell is happening most times when two people begin to get to know each other. There is an attraction. A desire to be close the other. To sometimes want to touch each other. thoughts keep drifting over and over about future and the times that might be. Plans start getting made for those times in the future.

we as humans know this attraction. We know when we are falling for someone. It is an amazing feeling. It is the exact opposite of the break-up time. although some break-ups are moreso of a wanting to be with the other person but knowing that you cannot be. Some break-ups are of the nature that you do not want to be around that person. Breaking up and falling in love are two animals of the same type. They deal heavily with the emotions that we humans both want and loathe.

to feel that unending despise of a relationship gone sour. That is some of the worst emotional pain ever. It takes time to heal from. And eventually that pain, and the sour taste go away.

to fall in love is to be happy. To be positive and to have that lover's smile on your face. Time can kill this mood. It is up to the individuals to keep this happiness alive otherwise, that sour taste will eventually creep back in...

Falling

That wave of excitement crashes over you. The nervous energy bubbles to the surface. The longing, and the desire mix together into a stream of lust. Not nearly sexual alone, but a true desire to be near that person. To have them close. To hold them. These are the tell tale signs of "falling" for someone. the singular focus that i have been so mesmerized by shines through. I have only been truly focused a handful of times in my life... most of those times i was in love. Some of those times i was vengeful, and only once was i determined to succeed. It is no wonder to me that i often times am afraid of love. To be emotional, to let my inner thoughts out. For me that lack of control is daunting.

these are some good thoughts. keep this rawness in mind.

The Lord of the Flies

With all of the books that i have ever read there are only a few that i have read multiple times. For me, reading a book a second time is a true testament to the greatness of it's plot, characters, and climaxes. I have read 'The Hobbit' about three times, and Catch-22 about five times, but i have read 'The Lord of the Flies' no more than ten times. I have seen the movie and the remake multiple times as well and have had multiple discussions with various friends, family members, and strangers. The premise is excellent -- the ultimate "What if?" question of being stranded on an island. The storyline and plot are developed by true-to-life characters. The character design and interaction amongst themselves is beyond comparison and very accurate. One of the items that i usually look for in good stories is character development and interaction. Most times i try to put temperaments to the characters i am reading about. I have become a personality predator of sorts, and am constantly trying to label others so that i may understand them.

There is one unique feature to LotF: It's four main characters are depicted well in overall temperament.

Ralph... Is the natural charismatic leader. He believes in rules, and a governing body. His main objective is to keep the fire burning in hopes that someone will see it and save the boys from the island. He establishes a hierarchy and becomes used to giving orders. He also desires to build shelters, and to set up schedules for the boys to work, maintain the fire, and forage. He is a true guardian.

Jack... Is the challenger to Ralph's domination. He wants power for himself by slowly subverting the authority that is established. He lives in the here and now. He forms a para-military hunting group, out of his choir, to provide meat for the boys. He is not concerned with law and order. His main thought is that he who provides the food should be in power. He is concerned with the hunt, and his single focus is on that. Part of his ploy is to rile the others into frenzies and undermine the rules after he leaves the main troop. He steals the conch as well as piggy's glasses for his own needs and establishes his own 'tribe.' His action-minded, hunter mentality is artisan-like.

Piggy... Is the unfortunate voice of reason. It's his logic that alerts the boys that they are actually lost and that nobody else knows that they are lost-- "people know where we were, and where we were going, but nobody knows where we are now." It's his glasses that start the fire, it's his idea to use the conch shell as a method of turns for others to speak at assemblies. It's he that thinks to build shelters to live in. He suffers from asthma, wears glasses, and is fat. This unfortunate combination makes him an easy target for Jack's violence. He seems to me the archetypal rational. His unyielding loyalty and friendship to Ralp and Simon is also not matched among the others on the island.

Simon... for me is the bravest of all the boys on the island. He is the one that realizes that the 'beastie' is just a downed airforce pilot by approaching the cave and entering it. He is the curious 'outsider' in the group. He obeys the rules as much as the next one, but often goes off on his own to explore the island and eventually maps the island. He feels sorry for the killed pig, and admires the fauna, and animals on the island. He has visions of the LotF, and converses with it too. Unfortunately his 'oddness' is punished by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is killed by the group after one of Jack's frenzied hunter parties. His character is best explained by the Idealist temperament.

As i wrote earlier this book is probably my favorite fiction book, and the last time i read it, it was with the knowledge of personality and temperament.

Boredom

It comes and goes, but mainly stays. I am at this job for three reasons: 1) further my teaching education, 2) beef up on my research, 3) sharpen my clinical skills

I will start with my clinical skills. They are as dull as they ever have been before. I can see things slipping away. names of meds, tests, and procedures. I still have my suave charm with patients and nurses, but that is not a learned thing. That is a practiced art. I try from time to time to sharpen my skills but they have me barely working. I have requested twice to have more challenging cases thrown my way but this was ignored. Maybe it is impossible to get me to see more challenging cases, but i feel like there was never an attempt made at it. when i start my new position i will have to start sharp and focused. I need to come on the scene like gangbusters! I will be alright as long as i get started.

My research is a joke. To undertake a huge project in one year was too much to swallow. I am lucky that the HIT thing took off like it did. The other stuff was just shit. Walker's stuff was not going to include me anyway, and Shah dismissed me as a nothing. oh well. even the LVH thing took tool long to develop. Half the year went by without a single lead working out for me. I wish to leave the research up to the researchers. It is not for me.

As for the teaching... this is the thorn in my side. Firstly i feel as though i am teaching foreigners to become americans instead of students into doctors. ridiculous. Secondly i have only this year to show for my efforts. I wanted some form of degree. I asked twice for something to show for my efforts. this was also ignored. I was told that this on my resume would be enough. bullshit.

I cannot wait to leave. at this moment it will be 10 weeks. I cannot wait.

Personality Predator

I have become this entity that can sniff out another's thoughts, actions, and beliefs. I look at them and study their body language. I see how they observe things. I watch as they process information. I watch how they interact with their environment. I watch how they interact with friends and strangers. I see how they struggle and how they thrive. Then i speak with them. I hear their words, but smooth out the wrinkles. I read their underlying messages from their speech. I smoke out what they want to keep hidden. I climb into their brains from an opened back window. I combine their verbal messages and cues with the way that they carry themselves and then i own them. I could tell them more about themselves most times than they even know. I can flatter and i can charm. I can hobknob or i can fight the system. I can speak logistics and provisions, or i can tell jokes...

I can prey upon those that cannot guard their own thoughts. I can use this power for my own well being. I have built webs of associates to call upon for later use. I can also help these people and impact their lives. Do i even want to? Should i even bother?

This is a practiced art. This is a science. This has become second nature to me. I no longer think about it. i just do it. I just observe, then act.

book ideas

the one with the 33 year old doctor that is in the prime of his life, good looking, making and spending money, living life... gets cursed or into car accident and then is transported into the body of a 16 year old boy. This boy is fat, stupid, unpopular and untalented. He is the exact opposite of the doctor.

The boy then starts doing things differently. Works out, eats healthy, helps his mother, defends himself, and uses the deceased doctor's assests as his own.

The doctor may have been getting ready to do doctors without borders for six months. does the boy contact his family?? Does the boy solve the mystery... or come back to being the doctor??

I need the climax, and i need some sort of twist...

there will be good character development including personality as a theme. Is intelligence inherited? Is change possible?

Revealed

It's funny how some things are revealed to us over time. I keep coming back to the same thoughts about last year and what was going on at that time. I keep thinking "i'm lucky." things could have been much worse off for me and they aren't right now...

I am looking downhill at this year. I can see the finishline and i can see the new start waiting for me. It is an amazing feeling knowing when your suffering will end. It is a slightly frightening feeling knowing that your next step might hold some new suffering.

through my old ways i was able to find out about a person from my past. She was vital for my sanity and survival last year at this time. I revealed my feelings for her later on, but it was not to be. She is officially with someone else now, and it looks like it will be a lasting thing for the both of them. I wish her happiness. I also wish to see her face as she sees me return triumphantly--unexpectedly.

To return to the scene with the dust brushed off. the old mold broken, and the new one being forged..... As if the Count was revealing his true identity.

I have decided to become somewhat more selfish in my life. I NEED to do the things that i want to do. More importantly i need to find out what it is that i want to do. I think i will leave that for another blog.

for now, i wish those from my past good will, and happiness. If you can find it without me then you are truly blessed. If not then you fucked up. Ha. Oh well.

It's been a year

One year has now gone by. i started this (writing my thoughts out) so that i could better deal with the losses of my father's life, my ex-girlfriend's relationship, and my residency (which i had grown to love.)

After a year has gone by i still think of my father, but it is much less than before. I very rarely get sad anymore thinking about him. I would've liked for him to see me get that first real paycheck, or for him to help me buy a house. It would also be nice if he could've survived long enough to see me married with children. I know that he was proud of me, and that he loved me dearly. I take comfort in that. A year after his death i felt somewhat more free. I felt like my penance or what-have-you was over. This month he would be 68 years old. It is still a very young age. I take care of patients much older than that. My post about the morning of his death still gives me chivers when i read it.

My ex was the second major girlfriend that i have ever had. I have dated lots but i was ready to settle with her for some odd reason. I do not fall for people very easily. I try never to let me emotions run away from my reasoning. With her things were different. I had a glimpse of the future. My brother called it a "simulation." We had simulated married life. We both worked, had a dog, planned vacations, and fought. As time progressed these items all became worse. work sucked, the dog drained all of her attention, vacations became harder to plan and we fought more. A year ago i believe that she became lonely. I had begun to move on and she did not. She stayed in contact with me to hinder my progress. She was effective in making me delay on an oppurtunity that i should've jumped on. Now i think of the oppurtunity daily... and i could care less about my ex. It has only been a year.

Last year at this time i was living life. I was getting my new car (a symbol), i was getting a new apartment (a sign) and i was leaving a place that i had experienced so much in. Now, a year later i have my car, and i love it. But i put so many miles visiting my old place that the irony is not fully evident. I just agreed to a new apartment now as well. In my old apartment complex. funny how things have not changed much in one year's time, but have come almost full circle.

Now, i am able to be reborn. I can start fresh again. Goals are a bit harder to come by now at this time, but are still present. I get to get the new paycheck soon, and soon after a new house, and then a new car... These are rather unfulfilling items because they are materialistic. There are other things. I am devising a 'death bed list' for the end of my life. It is currently in the process of being finished... My eyes have also been opened up to my true self. My truest needs, and my truest desires. It's been a year now, and things could not be looking better...

Optimism

today i woke up with that sense of optimism that no matter what happens to me i know that i can still get up and fight another day. I am resourceful and capable. Things are changing again. Looks are toward the horizon which is that much closer now than it was before. I am no longer looking at my feet. They can shuffle or stumble as much as they want. Now I can see the orange red hue perfectly before me. It is right there for me to take as my own. It is close now.

I am on my way. It is nearly february and very nearly one of the biggest weekends of my life might occur soon enough. I might be in the spotlight for a little while, but if i embrace it things will bend to my will eventually. I little bit of sacrfice here can go a long way. I just need to remember who i am and where i am from. I have been through so much that to forget these items would be disgraceful. the music should be loud. It should celebrate my victory.

With one eye on the past i turn back to face the day and my future. I have goals and they are setting themselves up for me. The pale blue face of my past path is leading to the red heat in front of me. I walk torn, shattered, bruised, and confident. I move with grace amidst the chaos. i haven't been stopped yet. Who can stop me now?

It was snowing that day

It was snowing that day.
My brother jim knocked on the door.
My eyes were already opened.
I had been watching the snow fall.

It covered everything: trees, streets; cars.
The clock read: 7:13
He said "Mom called, let's go."
I hadn't slept yet.

Tears covered my face.
They shook to the ground as i hurried to dress.
My eyes burned with the sting of sleeplessness.
We hurried to the hospice.

We arrived and shook off the snow.
Mom was crying, sobbing.
My father lay still.
His eyes never to open again.

Fire

Ever wonder where that fire goes? That one that burns inside of you. The one that keeps your eye on the prize. The one that makes you step that extra step, and take the plunge. The desire. The hunger. The drive?

When there is nothing left, and you are at the bottom. Do you come back? Do you have one of those crystalizing moments when suddenly everything becomes so clear? OR... Do you fall. Do you crumble? Do you take the weight of the world on your shoulders and sink? It's the times when we are the most challenged that we find the most out about ourselves.

It's in the times of trouble and turmoil that we cannot see the end. But that does not mean that the end is not there. We travel on our paths for so long and we set standards for ourselves to live by. We get shaken. We get rattled. Sometimes we get rocked to the very core of what we are.

It's in those moments that our fires burn brightest. They feed off of the fuel that surrounds it. They spur into new life. Some turn to hate. Others revenge. Some give. Some take. Some awaken as if for the first time and live life as a newborn. When you are at the bottom you can only go in one direction.

The cold fire of our existence lights our paths for us. The fire within us consumes the paths around us. I am not defeated. I have yet to start.