Correct Justice.

Late in the morning. I am tired now. It seems at times that these nights are taking a toll on me. I feel aged. I feel worn. Sometimes i don't want to come here to work. It's as if the motivations that i used to get me here have been spent out. They have been spent in paperwork, busy-work, dirty work, shit work, so on and so forth.

I just wait. I sit. I try to be patient, but sometimes i want to explode with action. I want to move toward the end of the game instead of feeling like just started it.

As a doctor i think we all have to deal with gaps of knowledge. They can be filled in. They can fill in the areas where there are strongholds of information...

I think for myself i want to know too much. I want to know everything. I want too much and i want everything.

I feel like i am having to always sit and wait my turn. Why do i always think that i can do things better than those around me? Why should i always be right? Do i have some weird foresight that no others have? Why is my thinking correct? Is it that i can convince myself that i am in the right?

If i truly believe that i am better/supreme/correct/just, then why do i have to wait. Why can i not take what i want right now?

What is it that i want? Good question...

Rising Hands

I am at work again. The items that come back to me are of the greatest and the least concerns for me right now. One the one hand i feel very lucky to have met her. To know her. To talk to her and to have her with me. Then on a completely different point of view i am not happy.

work sucks. I am represented by a joke. A human humor. A pakistani cartoon. I am surrounded by the fat, the stupid, and the insane. This is not what i signed up for. I work under the shadows of a chica from the block... what has happened to my beloved corps? Why have so many changes come about with such unstable results? where is the balance?

Back to the first hand. I travel. i cannot wait for Germany, and i am in the future beyond that also planning another adventure. By switching my comrades each adventure is unique to me. It is expensive, but i can afford it. Additionally i have the time to take.

Second hand information was spread about the ranks involving me. Always second hand applications. Always from second rate people. People so engrossed in their own refuse that they paint others' lives in thier own filth. things that i have not done, or that were my exagerated actions, were spoken about me. Lies stewing in a pot of falsities. Some twisted and manipulated to make me look bad, whilst they looked better. Others are just plain wrong.

I am able to rise above. I am better than they for certain. Personality, looks, strengths... hell, even my weaknesses are better than theirs. i float above them head and shoulders. I seek new knowledge. Always new knowledge. More knowledge to float above the mass. The creatures of the diseased.

believe it or not/triumph

these are two emails that i recently sent. I sent them because i had a swirl of emotions lingering in my head. Both from the past (distant past) and from the here and now.

You see i love someone now. Again. I keep thinking that i won't fall again, or that it is not going to happen but somehow it does. This time i seem to see things that i didnt before. It's as if time has slowed around me. Yet i move at the same speed. It's like i know what is going to happen before it does.

She asked another for help, and has another besides that bends over backwards for her.

i was angry. upset. worried. Why? - because. Because i am in control. I can help. I can do more than any other that i have seen, at least in a relationship. Why should these others help her out? Why should they get any credit for anything?

He (the ex) is a loser. He doesn't know how to treat women well. His actions and words are easily predictable, and there is very little substance to him at all. She sent him a flag. He took it as a smoke signal. I knew that he would call back. And he did. It stands to her integrity that she even told me. Still, i knew that he would. he feels that he controls her or has some degree of power over her. Arrogance. The flag is deleted. We'll see how far that one goes.

the other is less of a problem, but still one that is ever present. It seems that my entire life has revolved around this theme. Girl and boy are together... girl has guy friend that she keeps for 'n' reason. He seems pathetic actually. a loser in his own right. without a girl of his own, he has professed at least a liking for her. he's sent flowers, and would bend over backwards doing anything necessary to make sure her needs are taken care of. That is good. But from her stand point not mutual. He should move on.

her process with the one is never to communicate ever again. A similar story with me and my life in texas with that one. this would mean no facebook, no email, no calls... i wonder if this will take place? My assumption is that it will.

her process with the other one is to slowly wean him away from her so that he is not so needy... maybe this will be effective. Maybe it will not be.

we shall see.

Awakening

Am i walking this road again? Haven't i been here before? Is this the same road or is it different? Where did she come from? Why is she here now? Is it my hour or direst need?

I look back at the musical score. The notes were never correct, or they were correct with the wrong timing. Is the timing right now? She dances to my music now. She floats on the air with the grace and beauty of rose petals. She has come into my life, breathed fresh air into my lungs. My heart had become black after the Butterfly poisoned it. Before that the Lure used my heart as a stepping stone, and before that the Cat shredded it with her claws.

She is the Rose. She shines with beauty. She can be dangerous, but needs to be handled with care to avoid the thorns. Her smile is enchanting. Her laugh mesmerizing. I wander in the land of daydreamers when i think of her.

I am walking this road again. It feels different this time. I am smarter and wiser now. I will not fall into the traps that i did before. I can let the past be the past, and let it go. I am writing a new chapter now. I am taking control of my life. It feels good. I feel like my soul is about to awaken to something grand.

It has only been since my birthday that we've danced. My wounds are healing, and the poison has almost completely drained from my heart. The beauty of the Rose... ah the Rose.

What now? Enjoy. This road will go on forever.

Irony and luck

Is it irony that has brought me to this point or is it coincidence? Am i here because of the events that have taken place around me or am i here because of the decisions that i have made? How did i get to this place?

I think one of the easiest explanations is that it is both. I am here because i chose to be here, but also that i have been effected by what has been going on around me. I think it is strange that she was terminated. Don't you think so? I do. It's like the course was complete, and that was the cue to end it entirely. I still have some lingering thoughts, but overall what she did was horrible. How could she expect me to just forgive and move on? Maybe the others are right and she is unstable. I do feel sorry for her. She has been dealt a lot of shitty hands, but in the same sense she has played a lot of the good hands poorly. So, i cannot let my sorrow for her rule my judgement.

Now i have been given another gift. What will i do with it? I am not exactly sure. I want everything... i want the fairytale as well. I want the truest of loves, and i want the purest belief that it still exists.

I have it in me. That is one thing that is a given. It exists in me. I can do it. I just needed to meet someone that could bring it out in me. Is she the one? Maybe. It might be too early to say that but there is also a fine line between knowing and not knowing. So if i were to say that she is not the one right now... would that be too early as well? my answer of course is yes.

One of the cool things is that i do not have to have a major plan. There is not going to be an order of battle here. I do not have to ghost someone, i do not have to find out where i stand, and i do not have to do so many things and jump through so many hoops to make it happen.

For once things are appearing easy. There is next to no baggage attached whatsoever. I am almost in the free and clear from all of that other stuff. Maybe it was there in the first place to show me what it was like... sort of the sweet and sour thing again. You cannot appreciate what you have until you see what it is like on the other side. I saw what it could've been like, but now i see that it should have been better.

I am glad that i am inspired to write again. I am glad that i can put my thoughts out there in sequence again. I am feeling better. This is my seventh night on and i have one more to go. I know that tomorrow i will be busy, but for the time being i am enjoying what i have in the here and now.

I am also glad that some of the things that i was wanting and looking forward to last year have come to fruition or are coming to fruition. I am glad that these items have been placed before me... or did i go looking for them?

There is no better place for me to be then right where i am right now...

family, friends, work, social life, material life.... everything is in place. Right now i feel like my own good luck charm.

Whatever is to be, will be

Friends,

It has been a weird month. I started off looking to enact this huge undertaking. I was going to win once and for all. I was going to be the king, and i would have my queen finally. Then Brad Thompson came into the picture, and everything was exposed. I found out about more lies, and cheating. Cheating! A single episode, but harmful all the same. Hurt, and confused i became angry. I went into denial, i tried to rationalize... i tried to justify. I thought about second chances...

I prayed. I thought. I gathered more info, and i sought the advice of some of my most trusted advisors.

This would be her biggest loss. She screwed up. This would not be my fault. It is her mistake. She should live with her own consequences. Part of me is truly hoping that she gets fired. It would make the pain of memory fade faster. It would bring closure sooner. It would allow me to open up a new avenue... to turn a new page. to begin fresh.

It was not meant to be. I was close though. I felt some things stirring. I felt some emotions come alive. I felt like things were changing. I felt my life evolving. I felt my worth again. I saw it. I lived it.

It was not meant to be. It was never a real relationship. I never saw her house, and i was lied to. I was never allowed to be a part of her life....

Now then. I am fairly excited about the girl from my birthday. She was nervous, but she is great. great smile, great hair, great body, great style...

there are of course some cons... but overall a great prospect.

whatever is meant to be...

Triangles

This is just me venting entirely about some things that i do not like at all. Well, it's really just one thing: triangles. Even if at first scenarios appear to be okay and everyone seems friendly there is always gonna be that one X factor. That one person or that one crush or that one past love... Times can never have just the simplicity of two or four. That other person can lay dormant or be around the corner for long periods. Why is that? Why is it that plots and themes never seem to stop spinning? For once in my, so far, short life i would like to experience the thrill of just two. Wouldn't that be something. The real rub comes in the fact that at this time i really dont care. Except that i do. I think that i am so used to it being there that i may not ever really feel comfortable unless that third person is around. Is that wrong? Is that right? The comedy comes in when it is found out that my triangle is tied off and gone. Almost non-existent. Oh well, i guess i will see what tomorrow holds...

Trust

What is trust? The definition is: Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. What does this mean? Are we born with this definition? Why do we trust? Why is it thrown around all of the time in relationships? Can trust be beaten or oozed out of us? Can we rebuild trust? Is trust earned or is it the rite that everyone deserves? According to Booker T.
"Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him."
But are we supposed to do this inately? Are we not supposed to just give in to our negative thoughts? Why do the distrust thoughts enter in? Cicero had an interesting point of view: "Trust no one unless you have eaten much salt with him." So what the fuck does that mean? Does that mean that you should be cautious? Does that mean you need to earn your trust through eating the "salt?" Does that mean when embarking on a new adventure you should trust your instincts, even if it deals with a lack of trust?
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust" Thanks Frank Crane, that helps a lot. It is the truth. Torment. That rings so true because i have been there. So where is the balance? Just to live life with an equal amount of trust and distrust? Whom do you trust? Why do you trust those certain people versus the people that you do not trust?
"Our distrust is very expensive" Emerson says. Again I second that. It is very expensive. So where does distrust come from? Why do some of us have more distrust from within? I think that it stems from our experiences. It is our baggage that either affects us to trust or to not. For those of you that cannot follow this logic it is actually simple.
Some would trust and get rooked or cheated. They might continue to trust because they believe that overall this single event will not happen again. This can happen several times and what you generally have is the balance between the good events resulting from trust outweighing the bad ones resulting from trusting too much.
Others (myself included) build barriers and strengthen ourselves behind them so that we do not get hurt a second or third time. "Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, shame on me." -- Anonymous. The general mistrust becomes the norm. Is this a sign of weakness? Maybe. Is it a sign of low self-esteem? Maybe. The lack of integrity or the reliance on someone else's integrity might be viewed by some as the lowest single attribute to have. Honesty and communication are the keys to overcoming this attribute. This i have learned and pondered a lot. Without effective communication there can really be no basis for trust. If the being that you are reliant upon cannot tell you their feelings then how can you trust them? Hand in hand with communication and trust is honesty. Lies can kill trust and force bad situations to become worse ones. If you cannot tell the truth or if you havent heard the truth then trust oozes or gets beaten out of you. Doesn't it? Honesty and communication they succeed all of the time.
I think Willy S. maybe said it the best when he sort of defined trust:
"Love all, trust a few."
Those five words speak the volume of my inner feelings on trust. Call me weak or call me lacking confidence...but, I know who i can trust and i know who i cannot. Because i am honest and because i value communication i can see these things in others. This is fact. I love you all, but i can only trust a select few of you.

Theories and Rules

So, as i float from relationship to relationship i realize that many of the things that i once looked for or adored in women do not carry any wind into my sails anymore. There was a time in my life when i felt that women were better then me. There was always a pedestal that had to be surmounted in order to even get to know one. Women were like these extra-terrestrial creatures that didn't live in the same world as me. After gathering courage and esteem i tried over and over to get girls to notice me and like me. They just never seemed to like me the way that i wanted to be liked. I made lots of friends though. But then somewhere along the line i became a dick. I started seeing women as inferior to me. There was still a pedestal but they would have to surmount it! This didn't last very long. For one thing i didn't quite like being that way. I was also attracting the wrong kinds of people.

So, I gave up! That's when it happened. I met her. Things were great but...
Well, you know, you've all been there. It has helped me to realize that as i meet strange women and pursue different relationships that there needs to be two key components to them:
Compatibility and Chemistry.
Chemistry is the lust. It's the desire it's the curiousity and want for the other person. This can be confusing. Many of us have wanted something soooo bad that after we've gotten it we don't want it anymore. Well, chemistry is that first look or that first time you notice someone. It's that time when you realize I could be with this person. All of these little epiphanies are great for the start-up time. And they are needed throughout the ENTIRE course of the relationship. But...
Chemistry rests on the shoulders of something stronger than itself; compatibility. Men and women need to be compatible with each other. This doesn't mean that they watch the same tv shows (although this might help). It means that they can communicate well with one another in their own way. They can trust each other and most importantly they can respect each other.
Think about it. If you lie to someone that you have sex with is there respect? No. You have amazing chemistry maybe but how could you be compatible? The same dilema goes for the couple that talks for hours on end and then goes to sleep. Where is the contact? Where did the chemistry go?
A couple that meets with chemistry alone must work on being more compatible and vice versa. How often have "friends" gotten together only to realize that they are more compatible with each other than anything else? How often has that scandal happened where two people cannot get enough of each other but can't even talk to each other on the same level afterwards.

Where am i going with this? I don't know... What i do know is that i am gonna keep an eagle eye out for that right person. I'll look for that C & C and avoid the freakishly weird!
Danny
"To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."

--Helen Rowland (1875-1950) American journalist and humorist.

Phoenix

Shaking the dust off lets some of my armor fall too. I am at my weakest. The last round sent me to the floor. Why did i get up? Why? I can't walk. I step funny. I'm mistaken for a dolt. My core is exposed. There is no more time for tears. No more. The blood is dry; my scars are exposed again. I stand alone. I am on that edge again. So many times i have come close... I can't be pushed. I move myself. What life deals to me, i take. I smile. I spit. I say "Come get me..."
I emerge. Like the fires of the phoenix i light up! Soon there is no stopping me. I need no walls, or armor. There is nothing to run from. Look at my scars. Look at what I am. I dare them to stop me...
And it is over. I sit. My blood didn't spill. It didn't stir. It fuels the engine of my soul. Look for me at the top of the mount...

Does this exist?

So,
I have been pondering for some time what I want... I know exactly what it is too. I simply do not think that it exists. Actually i know that it does not.
To find the 'la donna eccellente' is impossible. She simply does not exist. Of the three great relationships i have had in my short life i would have to take all of the great qualities and attributes of those women, and combine them together in order to really find what i am looking for...
Intelligence, and depth. That is the main category. I have caught glimpses of this in some, but it is so hard to find in most. To have an opinion, and to stand firmly by it. To be able to logically defend it, or debate for it. To see a movie and discuss how the characters interact with one another, or to figure out the plot twists. To find someone that is all looks and no brains means that there is only an investment of some time, and effort and that it (the relationship) is not complete.
Empathy and understanding. There is a complete lack of empathy in most people i have come across in my life. To see someone suffer, and not help or to not have an idea of what they might be experiencing is poor. The true donna has to be able to sense when her man's mind is somewhere else. She has to know when he is in pain, depressed, or being his own worst critic. To ridicule, or help diminish his ego in these times of need is evil.
Honesty and the ability to communicate. These should be self explanatory. Honesty is an attribute that is fleeting in most. The desire to hide information and to block out the flow of free communication is a major detriment to all relationships. To be dishonest kills relationships. La donna eccellente would not be dishonest. She would also wish to communicate openly about things/items that bother her, or that she has issues with.
Athletic, funny, and social. These sort of go hand in hand with one another because it shows someone that enjoys life. This woman would be happy and fit. She would want to go places, and do things. She would have a sense of humor about herself and the situations that she was in. Not only would a super woman have to have these qualities, but she would also have to maintain them throughout the length of the relationship... a task harder to complete than most think.
Lastly, courstesy and respect. The simple act of introducing your man to your friends while you speak to them... the act of offering to get him a drink instead of waiting for him to get one for you. The act of asking the question: what are your thoughts about xyz? Instead of saying: what're you thinking about? Or even the worst for me to hear: "you think too much!"
Truly, to have all of these characteristics would be amazing, and would make for a superior female companion than i have ever seen before. It would make me want to be a better man, and make me try harder to be just that.

until then...

The ability

After much thought i have realized something. There is only black and white when it comes to decisions. There is no gray zone. Sometimes people stop their decisions and weigh their options. Deep down they always know what they are going to do. They always know what they want. Sometimes they cannot see what they need, and get the two confused.
For the first time in a long time i can see clearly what i needed in the past in order to get by and ahead. It was not always the things that i wanted. Now i can see clearly what i want, but i am not sure that i can see what i now need.
Each of us are given specific talents and abilties that we use or let sit and go to waste. One ability that i have been keeping hidden is the ability to walk away. At any moments notice i used to be able to walk away from a situation. I would not look back and just keep to my path.
I've used this ability many times in the past. Now i can sense it coming back. It's stronger now. The urge to run. The blurring of wants and needs. I am stronger now as well, though. I know what i want and i can see it. There is no gray zone. At least not for me this time. It's as plain as night and day.

One too many mornings

I think i've seen one too many mornings. The sun rises, and i see it from the night, or i see it when i wake. But i think i've seen one too many. I make coffee to open my eyes and wipe the sleep away. That's a morning. I take another drink to make the pain go away. Is that another morning? I take another pull, snort another line, slut myself away... or those mornings? One more time and i'll start my day. One more attempt to hold on to the comfort of what was. Those are all too many mornings to remember.
Think of all of the people that you've hurt in your life. The people that you let down because you didn't try hard enough. Think about the people you walked away from because the work was too hard. Think about all of the times that you should have said the right thing, or even anything and you didn't. Think of all of those failures. Think of all of those let downs. Now think of all of the times you wanted to start over, but couldn't. Think of all of the "brand new days" that should've sparked change. Most didn't. Those mornings are gone. In fact they never existed. Especially if you've repeated your failures.
When we catch ourselves making mistakes how do we feel? Do we think we'll get another shot? Do we feel guilt? Anger? How many times can we have those feelings? Life passes us by while we state that we will change. It drives down the road, while we make false promises to ourselves. Life doesn't wait for us... It is up to us to develop ourselves, and adapt to living.
To open your eyes to a new start is exhilirating. It expands our hearts and our minds. If only i could erase my mistakes, then i wouldn't be so afraid of one more morning of change.