thoughts on the screen

I have to say that i am bored. I am sitting in my office and i have done a total of maybe three minutes worth of work. I am not exactly sure why i am here. I keep thinking that this was a good career move but the truth is that i am not sure. I really don't like it here and i have very little to do. I am not sure if this is rockbottom but i know that i am close. for one thing i have very little friends here. Very little. I have started all over again. I am back to the first grade with all new situations and scenarios. I have such little exposure here where i am that it really makes it difficult survive. So far today i saw three people and one of those was by accident. I have been here for 6 hours. six hours withouth significant human interaction. How am i supposed to survive? It's like i am being tested. Like i am supposed to find my true self here in the middle of nowhere.

My director is a stiff. I ask for things and he skirts around them. I want to have some formal education in teaching. I want to say "hey, for a year i was here and i have something to show for it!" I have the research but it is not tangible. I want something tangible. I am competing with myself to do more and to make more progress. At what cost? boredom?

I have three research projects in the works as of now. On top of that i have another data set that i can use to start a fourth one on. I am involved in this huge undertaking with three more research projects but, i have a minor role in only one of those. I am trying my hardest to make some extra money and retain clinical skills that are drying up. I meet with another doctor to discuss some computer issues but that is not really amounting to anything. I was also volunteered to join a CKD group almost against my will. Oh and i am trying to find an editor for my book, that i am three quarters done with.

I injured my leg and so have some new limitations to my exercise plans. My mom has a series of medical problems that are seeming to take forever to get taken care of.

Now i start looking to the future. I am starting to look at specific states and locales to consider practicing. I know certain hospitals might like to have someone like me on their team.

i am a clinician. I am personable and friendly and i know how to explain things to patients. These items don't go on CV's or resumes. I have to get this research done and have some other certifications or something in order to make my career have some power.

we haven't even touched on the other social issues. I am confused about my ex. I cannot understand her and i don't know why i continue to try. I may have screwed up royally or i may have made a good decision. It is so hard to judge. I do know that i do not have anyone right now. This is a hard fact to realize. A year earlier i was on the verge of the actual breakup. But then i exploded. I had so many girls available. I was king of the social scene. I was in charge and i relished being there. Now i sit in my office. I think about what i can do at the gym. That is my evening. Hopefully this extra work spent in moonlighting will provide money, something to do and clinical practice.

Without names... P has someone else. that didn't go over well. She has yet to know that i always had someone else. Ultimately we were compatible but with half-hearted chemistry. The same goes for J. I liked her but was not fully feeling the chemistry. It can be blamed on me but i initially asked her out because i wanted to. I never really thought twice about it. F is still in ny. I blew that one off. some say this is a good deal, the fact that i blew her off. I am not so sure. I might contact again but i am not sure she and i would do well together. K actually annoyts me. She literally gets on my last nerves. This is saying a lot. I am a calm patient person. D is the one that i have been pursuing the longest now. She is upset about the initial timing and indirectly about M. the jury is still out on her. There is a new J in the works. Might not work out and then again it might be perfect. Who knows. There is O but i am afraid of starting something where i hang out semi-regularly. S i have lost contact with. She and i were extremely compatible without ever dating. the other RN D is not interested. or has someone else. the first RN D might indeed have someone else as well.

I am not sure if M has someone else or not. I sometimes think what would happen if she and i went back with one another. Probably lots of the old stuff would come right back... I am not sure that would be such a good thing.

Why are these last two paragraphs so important to me? I know not. I wish that i had some support system here. A bachelor group or if nothing more than at least a group to hang out with.

I am going to save this and see what happens in a couple of weeks.

D.