Correct Justice.

Late in the morning. I am tired now. It seems at times that these nights are taking a toll on me. I feel aged. I feel worn. Sometimes i don't want to come here to work. It's as if the motivations that i used to get me here have been spent out. They have been spent in paperwork, busy-work, dirty work, shit work, so on and so forth.

I just wait. I sit. I try to be patient, but sometimes i want to explode with action. I want to move toward the end of the game instead of feeling like just started it.

As a doctor i think we all have to deal with gaps of knowledge. They can be filled in. They can fill in the areas where there are strongholds of information...

I think for myself i want to know too much. I want to know everything. I want too much and i want everything.

I feel like i am having to always sit and wait my turn. Why do i always think that i can do things better than those around me? Why should i always be right? Do i have some weird foresight that no others have? Why is my thinking correct? Is it that i can convince myself that i am in the right?

If i truly believe that i am better/supreme/correct/just, then why do i have to wait. Why can i not take what i want right now?

What is it that i want? Good question...

Rising Hands

I am at work again. The items that come back to me are of the greatest and the least concerns for me right now. One the one hand i feel very lucky to have met her. To know her. To talk to her and to have her with me. Then on a completely different point of view i am not happy.

work sucks. I am represented by a joke. A human humor. A pakistani cartoon. I am surrounded by the fat, the stupid, and the insane. This is not what i signed up for. I work under the shadows of a chica from the block... what has happened to my beloved corps? Why have so many changes come about with such unstable results? where is the balance?

Back to the first hand. I travel. i cannot wait for Germany, and i am in the future beyond that also planning another adventure. By switching my comrades each adventure is unique to me. It is expensive, but i can afford it. Additionally i have the time to take.

Second hand information was spread about the ranks involving me. Always second hand applications. Always from second rate people. People so engrossed in their own refuse that they paint others' lives in thier own filth. things that i have not done, or that were my exagerated actions, were spoken about me. Lies stewing in a pot of falsities. Some twisted and manipulated to make me look bad, whilst they looked better. Others are just plain wrong.

I am able to rise above. I am better than they for certain. Personality, looks, strengths... hell, even my weaknesses are better than theirs. i float above them head and shoulders. I seek new knowledge. Always new knowledge. More knowledge to float above the mass. The creatures of the diseased.

believe it or not/triumph

these are two emails that i recently sent. I sent them because i had a swirl of emotions lingering in my head. Both from the past (distant past) and from the here and now.

You see i love someone now. Again. I keep thinking that i won't fall again, or that it is not going to happen but somehow it does. This time i seem to see things that i didnt before. It's as if time has slowed around me. Yet i move at the same speed. It's like i know what is going to happen before it does.

She asked another for help, and has another besides that bends over backwards for her.

i was angry. upset. worried. Why? - because. Because i am in control. I can help. I can do more than any other that i have seen, at least in a relationship. Why should these others help her out? Why should they get any credit for anything?

He (the ex) is a loser. He doesn't know how to treat women well. His actions and words are easily predictable, and there is very little substance to him at all. She sent him a flag. He took it as a smoke signal. I knew that he would call back. And he did. It stands to her integrity that she even told me. Still, i knew that he would. he feels that he controls her or has some degree of power over her. Arrogance. The flag is deleted. We'll see how far that one goes.

the other is less of a problem, but still one that is ever present. It seems that my entire life has revolved around this theme. Girl and boy are together... girl has guy friend that she keeps for 'n' reason. He seems pathetic actually. a loser in his own right. without a girl of his own, he has professed at least a liking for her. he's sent flowers, and would bend over backwards doing anything necessary to make sure her needs are taken care of. That is good. But from her stand point not mutual. He should move on.

her process with the one is never to communicate ever again. A similar story with me and my life in texas with that one. this would mean no facebook, no email, no calls... i wonder if this will take place? My assumption is that it will.

her process with the other one is to slowly wean him away from her so that he is not so needy... maybe this will be effective. Maybe it will not be.

we shall see.

Awakening

Am i walking this road again? Haven't i been here before? Is this the same road or is it different? Where did she come from? Why is she here now? Is it my hour or direst need?

I look back at the musical score. The notes were never correct, or they were correct with the wrong timing. Is the timing right now? She dances to my music now. She floats on the air with the grace and beauty of rose petals. She has come into my life, breathed fresh air into my lungs. My heart had become black after the Butterfly poisoned it. Before that the Lure used my heart as a stepping stone, and before that the Cat shredded it with her claws.

She is the Rose. She shines with beauty. She can be dangerous, but needs to be handled with care to avoid the thorns. Her smile is enchanting. Her laugh mesmerizing. I wander in the land of daydreamers when i think of her.

I am walking this road again. It feels different this time. I am smarter and wiser now. I will not fall into the traps that i did before. I can let the past be the past, and let it go. I am writing a new chapter now. I am taking control of my life. It feels good. I feel like my soul is about to awaken to something grand.

It has only been since my birthday that we've danced. My wounds are healing, and the poison has almost completely drained from my heart. The beauty of the Rose... ah the Rose.

What now? Enjoy. This road will go on forever.

Irony and luck

Is it irony that has brought me to this point or is it coincidence? Am i here because of the events that have taken place around me or am i here because of the decisions that i have made? How did i get to this place?

I think one of the easiest explanations is that it is both. I am here because i chose to be here, but also that i have been effected by what has been going on around me. I think it is strange that she was terminated. Don't you think so? I do. It's like the course was complete, and that was the cue to end it entirely. I still have some lingering thoughts, but overall what she did was horrible. How could she expect me to just forgive and move on? Maybe the others are right and she is unstable. I do feel sorry for her. She has been dealt a lot of shitty hands, but in the same sense she has played a lot of the good hands poorly. So, i cannot let my sorrow for her rule my judgement.

Now i have been given another gift. What will i do with it? I am not exactly sure. I want everything... i want the fairytale as well. I want the truest of loves, and i want the purest belief that it still exists.

I have it in me. That is one thing that is a given. It exists in me. I can do it. I just needed to meet someone that could bring it out in me. Is she the one? Maybe. It might be too early to say that but there is also a fine line between knowing and not knowing. So if i were to say that she is not the one right now... would that be too early as well? my answer of course is yes.

One of the cool things is that i do not have to have a major plan. There is not going to be an order of battle here. I do not have to ghost someone, i do not have to find out where i stand, and i do not have to do so many things and jump through so many hoops to make it happen.

For once things are appearing easy. There is next to no baggage attached whatsoever. I am almost in the free and clear from all of that other stuff. Maybe it was there in the first place to show me what it was like... sort of the sweet and sour thing again. You cannot appreciate what you have until you see what it is like on the other side. I saw what it could've been like, but now i see that it should have been better.

I am glad that i am inspired to write again. I am glad that i can put my thoughts out there in sequence again. I am feeling better. This is my seventh night on and i have one more to go. I know that tomorrow i will be busy, but for the time being i am enjoying what i have in the here and now.

I am also glad that some of the things that i was wanting and looking forward to last year have come to fruition or are coming to fruition. I am glad that these items have been placed before me... or did i go looking for them?

There is no better place for me to be then right where i am right now...

family, friends, work, social life, material life.... everything is in place. Right now i feel like my own good luck charm.

Whatever is to be, will be

Friends,

It has been a weird month. I started off looking to enact this huge undertaking. I was going to win once and for all. I was going to be the king, and i would have my queen finally. Then Brad Thompson came into the picture, and everything was exposed. I found out about more lies, and cheating. Cheating! A single episode, but harmful all the same. Hurt, and confused i became angry. I went into denial, i tried to rationalize... i tried to justify. I thought about second chances...

I prayed. I thought. I gathered more info, and i sought the advice of some of my most trusted advisors.

This would be her biggest loss. She screwed up. This would not be my fault. It is her mistake. She should live with her own consequences. Part of me is truly hoping that she gets fired. It would make the pain of memory fade faster. It would bring closure sooner. It would allow me to open up a new avenue... to turn a new page. to begin fresh.

It was not meant to be. I was close though. I felt some things stirring. I felt some emotions come alive. I felt like things were changing. I felt my life evolving. I felt my worth again. I saw it. I lived it.

It was not meant to be. It was never a real relationship. I never saw her house, and i was lied to. I was never allowed to be a part of her life....

Now then. I am fairly excited about the girl from my birthday. She was nervous, but she is great. great smile, great hair, great body, great style...

there are of course some cons... but overall a great prospect.

whatever is meant to be...

Triangles

This is just me venting entirely about some things that i do not like at all. Well, it's really just one thing: triangles. Even if at first scenarios appear to be okay and everyone seems friendly there is always gonna be that one X factor. That one person or that one crush or that one past love... Times can never have just the simplicity of two or four. That other person can lay dormant or be around the corner for long periods. Why is that? Why is it that plots and themes never seem to stop spinning? For once in my, so far, short life i would like to experience the thrill of just two. Wouldn't that be something. The real rub comes in the fact that at this time i really dont care. Except that i do. I think that i am so used to it being there that i may not ever really feel comfortable unless that third person is around. Is that wrong? Is that right? The comedy comes in when it is found out that my triangle is tied off and gone. Almost non-existent. Oh well, i guess i will see what tomorrow holds...